Apple’s stock surged past $180 per share on Thursday, drawing the tech giant nearer to the almighty $3 trillion market cap. Apple’s CEO Tim Cook rejoiced, saying that the tech behemoth had now reached an important milestone.
“As a company, there really are no more milestones left. Our research has indicated that, at this point, Apple brand loyalty is closer to that of Catholicism, or at least secular Judaism than it is to say, Samsung. Naturally, we’d like our tax status and our new marketing strategy to reflect that.”
When pressed, the executive provided scant details on specifically what a more religious-focused marketing approach might look like.
“We can’t talk too much about it, but we’re working on a holy book which will actually be released in app form on all new iPhones sold after September. Right now our marketing department is working through our version of Revelations.”
The chief executive also let it slip that push notifications from the company would no longer be mutable.
“When you graduate past brand loyalty to brand worship, what the end user wants doesn’t really matter. So, we’re going to send them frequent iEvangelism notifications to ensure they never even think about switching phones.”
Mr. Cook clarified that the new approach is hyper-focused on brand longevity.
“There are Apple users born today who don’t even know why they adore our products so much. We want to keep it that way.”